There are good Christian music videos out there, and soon I will do a top 10 best list. But when you combine the comparitive lack of money invested with the generally lower quality of production and music (both in comparision to the music industry at-large), often the results are cringe-worthy.
So with this post, I will be ranking the worst, most cringe-worthy Christian Music Videos of all time. Here, in short, is my criteria:
Each video had to be from a well-known Christian artist. After that, I ranked each video based off of four categories, dated fashion (out of style haircuts, clothes), annoyance level of the song, strange-ness of the video concept, and how irrelevant the artist or group is now. Fashion (Fash.), Annoyance (Annoy.), and Video Concept (VC) were all ranked 1-10, with the higher the number, the worse it is. Artist Irrelevance (Art.Irr.) was on a scale of 1-5. This had a smaller scale because I felt like the more 'dated' a video, the more likely the artist is no longer popular and I didn't want to double-penalize some nominees. So each total score is based off of a range between 1-35.
So below is my countdown with scores and a brief explanation.
Honorable Mention:
Jesus is a Friend of Mine by Sonseed.
This doesn't make it because the cut because this group was never a well-known Christian artist in their time. But had they been, this would have scored a perfect 35. When I say "cringe-worthy" this really defines the term.
10. Jesus Will Still Be There by Point of Grace
Admittedly, this is a biased pick. I had to have a P.O.G. song on this list because they were the bane of my existence in high school, thanks to Word of Life Summer Camps constantly playing their music and the girls in our youth group celebrating them like the Beatles.
Their major infractions come with the areas of fashion and video concept. Are these women trapped in dungeon somewhere - is that the subliminal message being communicated here? Because it would really fit the theme of the song and the director should be considered a genius.
Total Score = 17 (Fash.- 5, Annoy.- 3, VC- 5, Art.Irr.- 4)
9. Jesus is Just Alright by dc Talk
After watching this video with this list in mind, I thought it would rank higher. The fashion of late 80's - early 90's is especially dated and the dancers in the middle of a desert is just nonsensical. What saves this video from a worse ranking is the fact that all three members of dc Talk are currently stars in the CCM world with toby mac dominating as a solo artist, Tait surprisingly thriving as lead singer of the Newsboys, and Kevin Max finding his niche in a relaunching of Audio Adreneline. Plus, the song still plays (in my opinion better than the original) with toby's rap interludes showcasing this groups strengths.
Total Score = 18 (Fash.- 8, Annoy.- 2, VC- 7 Art.Irr.-1)
8. Do Everything by Steven Curtis Chapman
Everything about this video screams "phoning it in" to me. It may have taken a lot of work to create and produce, but it comes off lazy to me. It took me a couple viewings to get past the strangeness of the look and realize it was complimenting the theme of the song, signifying how in every situation and context we should be glorifying God. But I can't watch this without thinking about South Park. Sorry Mr. Chapman, gotta dock you points for that.
Total Score = 21 (Fash.- 3, Annoy.- 7, VC- 9, Art.Irr.- 2)
7. Written on My Heart by Plus One
Plus One is a classic example of how CCM has often blatantly copied the secular music world (see Backstreet Boys, *NSync, et al). But even if this group was a rip off of more popular groups, in my opinion, this song is a really good imitation of what those other groups were putting out there. It's scary how popular boy bands were back 10-15 years ago almost as scary as admitting this song isn't that bad. The video concept is a bit weird - headphones for everybody! - and thankfully this group faded into oblivion, though not before finding brief success and teaming with legendary producer David Foster.
Total Score = 22 (Fash.- 7, Annoy.- 3 VC- 7, Art.Irr.- 5)
6. Beyond Belief by Petra
Time has not been good to CCM trailblazers like Petra. You have to respect a band like this and consider the cultural context when viewing a video like this. But while it is not the worst 'look' of any of the bands on our list, unfortunately it's pretty close. The song is a quality one for sure, but everything else is cringe-worthy.
Total Score = 23 (Fash.- 9, Annoy.- 3, VC- 7, Art.Irr.- 4)
5. Honestly by Stryper
Speaking of CCM artists that time has not been kind to, ladies and gentlemen, Stryper! Hair Metal Bands were all the rage in the 1980's and all Hair Metal Bands balanced their hard rock sound with radio-friendly power ballads. So of course, CCM's preeminent glam rock group followed suit in 1987 with this song, which ended up finding commercial success on the Billboard Hot 100. Still, can you really disagree with this ranking?
Total Score = 24 (Fash.-10, Annoy.- 5, VC- 4, Art.Irr.- 5)
(Tie) 3. Satan, Bite the Dust by Carmen
This isn't a music video as much as a music movie. I found it easy to ignore the shaky theological content of the song because of all the other stuff this entry offers. Overdramatic solo artist playing the hero? Check. Spoken words outnumbering actual sung lyrics? Check. Not-quite-there-yet special effects? Check. Antagonists played by puppets? Check.
Wait what?!?!?
This part really takes the cake for me. Puppets playing demons. Maybe it would have been too offensive to have Carment shoot real people representing demons. Maybe I'm overthinking this. The costumes and sets seem to be fairly realistic, so I'm giving Carmen points in Fashion. Spoiler Alert: this isn't the last Carmen song on this list.
Total Score = 25 (Fash.- 1, Annoy.- 9, VC- 10, Art.Irr.- 5)
(Tie) 3. Live the Life by Michael W. Smith
A few years back, I caught a countdown of the best one-hit wonders of the 90's and distincly remember seeing the dance hit "Groove is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite. If you look up that video and mute it - doesn't it seem similar to this one? Totally different artists and totally opposite songs, but similar use of green-screen technology and bright colors. Am I wrong?
And how are we to make sense of MW Smith's different hairstyles and glasses/no glasses look in this video? My favorite is the Clooney-esque bangs that were all the rage back in the day. If memory serves correctly, this song came out during Michael W. Smith's career peak, when anything and everything he came out with went on the radio, no questions asked. Kind of wish someone had (asked), especially when it came time to make this video.
Total Score = 25 (Fash.- 8, Annoy.- 7, VC- 8, Art.Irr.- 2)
2. Five Candles (You Were There) by Jars of Clay
I was at a sleepover in 6th grade when I saw my first MTV Music Video. It was late at night and I remember being weirded-out by some of the stuff. One by Blind Melon still makes me feel like I'm on drugs. I have a feeling this one would do the same had I seen it when I was younger and up way past my bedtime. What kind of birthday party is this? Is it supposed to be a nightmare? Is there some sort of drama being played out I'm just not seeing?
I have a personal bias against this song because I bought this CD when it came out and I still consider it maybe the 6th best song from the album. For some reason though, the powers that be made this song the #2 single to be played after "Crazy Times" and that fact has always annoyed me - as has the song actually. Maybe this is why Jars has taken over the production of all their own stuff - they didn't want to make any more of these kinds of videos.
Total Score = 26 (Fash.- 7, Annoy.- 8, VC- 9, Art.Irr.- 2)
1. Who's in Da House? by Carmen
Oh boy. Not an ounce of self-awareness whatsoever in that video. It's a very find production. Something important seems to be happening. But a middle-aged white guy taking on the persona of a hip hop superstar. CRINGE-WORTHY. He's a had fine career within the niche he's created for himself and I hope he experiences God's strength in dealing with his illness. But as someone who made regrettable lip-synch videos with a buddy in high school to all our favorite Christian songs, I can recognize BAD when I see it. And this deservedly takes our #1 spot.
Total Score = 32 (Fash.- 9, Annoy.- 10, VC- 8, Art.Irr.- 5)
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